When Bios Attack

The bio of a Twitter user is important: in a mere 140 characters, a person must describe themselves and their beliefs in an informative (and hopefully entertaining) way. This applies to morons as much as to everyone else. In such a small space, how do you demonstrate the lack of intelligence, knowledge and ability for independent thought that will attract other morons to follow you?

I’ve scoured the bios of Twitter morons in order to create a library of essential moron bio extracts, which I present below. Every phrase here was a genuine copy-and-paste. I’ll publish additions to this list from time to time, ensuring it stays current (for example, if Sarah Palin becomes President and nukes Malta by accident, you may choose to add “Those Maltese Islamofascists had it coming”). If you’re a moron, please feel free to use this valuable, royalty-free resource. A credit would be nice.

  1. 3 times mobilized retired US Army Res. Major– If you’ve been in the military, say so! Morons need to know this stuff.
  2. Our land isn’t Arab land – A Zionist essential.
  3. The LORD also shall roar out of Zion … and the heavens and the earth shall shake! Joel 3:16 – Bible verses are always appreciated.
  4. We are taking America Back! – This may mean “Vote Republican”, though this also includes a coded message to blow up a government building if Obama is re-elected.
  5. …reaffirm our individual liberty, strengthen private markets, shrink the size of government – …and doesn’t see any conflict between these objectives.
  6. Conservative,God,Country,Sarah Palin – Concentrated moronitude.
  7. American Patriot – I’ve never left the country, except on that trip to Acapulco, and then I got a stomach upset and spent most of the time in the hotel bathroom.
  8. I exist in the shadows fighting the enemies of America – Superhero wannabe.
  9. British Nationalist – I blame brown people for the dull mediocrity of my life.
  10. America’s Founding Fathers – Simultaneously patriotic and meaningless.
  11. Stand Up America Now! – America has been sitting down for too long. I blame the chair lobby.
  12. Director of the TaxPayers’ Alliance – One of those badly named lobby groups. Should be called Keep Your Hands Off My Inherited Fortune, Poor People.
  13. …save America from Islamic domination– We persecuted blacks, Jews, Chinese, Japanese, hispanics, lefties and homosexuals and we’re sorry. But this time the threat’s for real, honest!
  14. We are a coalition of bloggers fighting Islamism with our blogposts – Are those like fenceposts?
  15. Taxpayers of the world unite! – He means High Rate Taxpayers – the rest of you can piss off.
  16. Conservative-Libertarian – Conservative who likes to smoke a joint from time to time.
  17. Newt Fan – Likes slimey sub-human animals.
  18. 45th Governor of the State of Wisconsin – Not widely applicable.
  19. Constitutionalist – Differentiate yourself from those progressive traitors who hate the Constitution.
  20. Liberty,Not Tyranny,Stand up & Fight 4 This Country,No Socialism,Communism,Marxism,NoObama,Take Our Country Back – If in doubt, choose them all!

One thought on “When Bios Attack”

  1. My mum sent me the link to your blog – thanks mum!
    I'm sitting here, drinking my morning coffee, laughing my ass off. Bittersweet comedy…

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